My Life With Crazy
A Place For Adult Children of Borderline Mothers to Share and Heal
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Felice M. said:   March 17, 2015 8:47 am PST
I am amazed to have found this site. I am not crazy after all. As the oldest and the only daughter, much had fallen on my shoulders since the age of 9 and continue to this day. My mother is still alive and spitting her special brand of venom. I feel very guilty, disloyal and terrified to be writing this to someone. Anyone. After all, I am supposed to keep her secrets and continue the illusion that she is a creative, sane, lovely woman. I am terrified at this moment that she will somehow find out about my post here and slam me again. After a lifetime of being emotionally and mentally abused, I am a shell of a person to be sure. Fear rules my life. I am trying hard to shake her influence on my life but it is not easy. I have only recently discovered that she is BPD. She is in therapy right now because of other reasons but it has opened her to this idea of BPD. This therapy is too little, too late. If her therapist calls to talk to me, I will say that I am not interested in contributing. It will not go well for me if I do. Not only can I not talk to Mom about any of this but she has become psychotic. Due to a lifetime of severe depression she has Severe Depression with Psychotic Features. So, that means for me that I cannot talk about any of this. She isn't mentally there a couple of times a year. The episodes last several weeks. She has been to the hospital several times due to suicide talk. She runs the gammet, she just does. I feel like I could write forever. The stress, the jealousy, the verbal abuse. The strings!! I didn't have the luxury of another parent to help with this. My father was not really in the picture. He was around but never paid any child support or helped in any emotional way. Oh my, I could write all day. I just hope she never finds this site. My life is ruled by fear. Fear of her. She is 70 now and not in the best of health. It's mostly mobility issues. But I think when she does die, I will feel a large measure of relief. How sad is that?

belinda said:   January 20, 2015 5:49 pm PST
I grew up in the 1960s I am 54 years old my family don't want to say yes this needs to stop the game theses people play .I want to have my life ,I did not asked to be born.

Amanda Nielson said:   December 12, 2014 7:02 pm PST
Help in Healing: I went "no contact" with my BPD mother almost 3 months ago after a few incidences with my child. I used her a a caregiver at times and I came home early on a night she wasn't expecting me. I overheard her teaching my child how to lie to me. Granted it was over a toy but she was still telling my child to "lie to mommy". I then had an amazing revelation because I have endured so many ups and downs, lies, false accusations of others in her life, etc. for so many years. As I struggle, I know that I am doing the right thing. My child hasn't asked about her until this week. He asked where she was randomly yesterday. How do you handle this with such a small mind?? I know the holidays are going to be so hard this year and I am dreading it.

Amanda said:   November 29, 2014 12:39 pm PST
In retrospect, I think the best therapy for this kind of upbringing has been to travel all over the world, drink beer on the beach, meet interesting, damaged people trying to heal themselves also by travelling the world and drinking beer, and by loving yourself. Also, the birth of my daughter has really helped me heal as well. I had her when I was 30, and by then had enough early childhood development education (both theoretical and practical) to understand the gift that was handed to me in that hospital. I know this kind of "therapy" isn't for everyone, but when I cut off ties with "mother" in my 20s, and by educating myself as a backpacker, I was then able to handle her in a behavioral sense enough to minimize her impact on my, and my family's, life. Be strong, everyone - and try backpacking by yourself - it's an amazing experience.

Rachel said:   November 20, 2014 6:21 pm PST
I'm glad I found this website. I feel for you all.

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